Category Archives: Humour
Worst Elf jokes
All year I joked about the ‘Elf Service’
- Now the team at Private Healthcare UK have sent these:
- Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had low “elf” esteem!Patient: “Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Santa Claus.”
Doctor: “I believe you’re suffering from Claus-trophobia.”Santa Claus: “Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit.”
Doctor: “I suggest you take some time off and visit an elf farm.”Patient: “Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Try lying on the edge of your bed, you’ll soon drop off.”
Humour
WARNING!!!!!!
This is a totally non-PC message, and NOT to be followed.
But those of us who have had cancer realise that if we didn’t laugh at all the black humour that crops up – WE’D GIVE UP!
PLEASE don’t read on if you are of a nervous disposition.
Second opinion – and further
Another post from the American Doctor Grumpy
If ever British GPs have a moment of envy over their American colleagues, this might make them think:
I Need a Doctor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Dr. Grumpy writes: “I’m with a new patient.
Dr. Grumpy: “What did the MRI show?”
Mr. Triad: “I’m not sure, my other neurologist said…”
Dr. Grumpy: “Wait, you have another neurologist?”
Mr. Triad: “Actually, I have 2 others. I saw both of them earlier this week.”
Dr. Grumpy: “Why are you seeing 3 different neurologists?”
Mr. Triad: “Well, it seems like a good idea. I Continue reading
I HATE medical language
But we HAVE scored a victory! Hands up anyone who objected to being called a CUSTOMER, when we are clearly PATIENTS? Medic-speak drives me up the wall; I had NOT chosen Cancer in a shop – therefore as far as I was concerned I was NOT a Customer. Continue reading
Silver Surfers
Silver Surfers have trouble with computers.
Had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11-year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned… ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
ID10T
New Year Exercise Programme ANYONE can follow
EXERCISE FOR ALL
One simple exercise
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you
have plenty of room at each side.
With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Thanks to M for sending in this – another cancer patient who has same sense of humour as me.
Getting old
Duke of Edinburgh
Let’s thumb our noses
If you are as fed up with doctors and nurses lumping you in the ‘talk slowly and don’t tell them anything because they are over 60’ category, the Duke of Edinburgh had the answer – go and be treated at King Edward VII hospital.
Sadly, it’s in London; it’s private (although if you were in the armed forces or forces’ family you might qualify for reductions), and it only has a few beds. But it has a Matron, and she seems the old-fashioned sort whose patients come first.
But for those of us who are fed up with the patronising stare we get when we try and ask intelligent questions (you see them thinking where did she find this out?), the following song, sung to the Julie Andrew’s hit ‘My favourite things’ from Sound of Music, might give some light relief:
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things…
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Warning on taking medicines
Dr. Grumpy’s latest warning
Dr. Grumpy is an American GP (or MD as they are known in the States).
He records the weird observations made by his patients – latest is one about which he says “I have a bad feeling about this”
Dr. Grumpy: “What medications are you on?”
Mr. Scattered: “I don’t know. Whatever my girlfriend puts in my pill cup.”
Dr. Grumpy (to girlfriend): “What pills does he get?”
Ms. Girlfriend: “I don’t know the names. Whatever his mother tells me to give him.”
Dr. Grumpy: “Where can I reach your mom?”
Mr. Scattered: “She’s in jail.”
Happy cancer video gains three million viewers worldwide
Cancer patients have FUN!
Kelly Clarkson (Wikipedia)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihGCj5mfCk8
This video shot by a patient in hospital has hit over three million hearts around the world. It shows patients and staff having fun, and what they get up to on the hematology/oncology floor of Seattle Children’s Hospital.
They lip-sinc to Kelly Clarkson’s song “Stronger“……. what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger ” and the catchy tune has caught the imagination.
After Cancer 